I had brunch with an old friend last weekend. We caught up on our past and current lives. It was nice to not have to explain myself. It felt like slipping on an old sweatshirt… comfortable and unassuming.
I vented about how it seems like the more I want something, the less likely it feels like I will ever get it. I figured that I actually repel things by making them too important to me, but soandso saw it another way. His interpretation is that when I put something on a pedestal, I’m placing it out of my reach. The more important it is, the higher the pedestal.
So my new question is this: Can I knock something off the pedestal? Can I make the most important things less important in my life?
I know I’m steering in the wrong direction (or, more accurately, in what I assume others would tell me is the wrong direction), but it feels insincere to do anything else. I’m sick of pretending that I am or possibly could be someone else. The only way I have even a fighting chance at creating happiness is to live my life with one very impossible goal in mind. But is it impossible? If I raise myself up, maybe someday what’s on that pedestal won’t seem so out of reach.
12:50 am • 20 August 2014 • 1 note
The Sound of Settling
How long do you wait before you give up on a dream? Do you hold out forever? Do you settle for something else because it could probably be pretty okay? Is probably pretty okay remotely good enough?
I’m tired of the prospect of trying. I cannot and will not fein the slightest interest in anything other than perfection. I don’t care that I will never get what I want because I can’t buy into the idea that I could possibly want something else.
One thing I’ve never been good at is playing along. I have zero patience for things I’m not immediately interested in, be it card games, comedic movies, or friendships.
Life is so uncertain. There is no point in wasting my time with distractions and obstacles. I do not have the energy for it.
12:04 am • 12 August 2014
Cats are critical to posters, apparently. A smattering of kitties appear in Posters, a critical study of the development of poster design in continental Europe, England and America by Charles Matlack Price.
Price obviously knew the importance of cats in art. He certainly had strong feelings about the topic of art, going so far as to include the quote above from Robert Louis Stevenson as the epigraph to the book. And since we see 2 kitties gracing the title page, we can deduce that his idea of good art = cats. But I’m no art historian.
5:08 pm • 31 July 2014 • 853 notes
apparition of twins /27.5x35.5cm (approx 11x14inch) wet plate collodion on black plexiglass/
5:06 pm • 31 July 2014 • 366 notes
What Ails Me
I’m sick. Not sick enough to stay home from work, but definitely sick enough to have the attention span of a goldfish. I took meds that claim to be “non drowsy” but I’m feeling messed up anyway. And so I write.
I haven’t blogged in years, and I’m not sure if I should start again now. I used to write open letters to someone who I knew would eventually find it. I wanted to be found. I had a plan for him to fall in love with me through my words. I failed.
There’s a danger in being honest in your writing. People can see all sides of you, both good and bad. Unfortunately for me, a better understanding of me is what pushes someone away from me. The more you know, the less you want to know. And so I stopped.
The problem now is that I have an overwhelming buildup of thoughts that I don’t know what to do with. Mind pollution. Soul poison. I can’t keep harboring it inside of me, but I can’t dump it on all of my friends, either.
I don’t know what to do.
12:05 pm • 30 July 2014
When you stop running, what you’re running from catches up to you.
I’ve been struggling for weeks to articulate the thoughts, the persistent whir, that keep me from concentrating on anything.
When you stop running, what you are running from catches up to you. I think that most people would say that this is when you start fighting back.
What if I’m tired of running, of fighting? What if what I’m running from is something that would actually do me some good?
I sit here in a semi-catatonic state and wonder how to explain all the directions my mind goes and how memory intermingles with imagination. Hallucination. Conversations I’ve had and conversations I should have had. Hypothetical situations where everything goes perfectly. And ones where things get unbelievably ugly unbelievably quickly.
Is there an answer buried deep in the mess of my mind? If I find it, will I even know?
11:41 pm • 28 July 2014
Minnetrista, reveal your secrets to me! 🔑💀 #Muncie #Spooky #Secret #Skull #Minnetrista
12:37 am • 10 July 2014
Have you ever felt so empty that you can barely build a sentence? Stared for minutes – hours – at the blank canvas lying between you and your peace of mind?
11:00 pm • 7 July 2014